"my last name is apparently made up by MI5 because my gran was forced to become an informant after she witnessed a murder and my family had to go into witness protection"
"He then tells me that MI5 came to his house to talk to him on three occasions because he went to Ukraine and they were concerned he had joined Azov Brigade. I asked what his parents said about that and he said they thought it was funny. Apparently they literally do the good cop bad cop stuff like on"
"Their daughter, my recently-deceased grandmother, married successively a man who kidnapped and accidentally killed his own parents, and then a schizophrenic who became convinced my father was trying to kill *him* on behalf of MI5."